Bipolar- Here's to Freedom!

Say what you wish.
Haven't been a lier,
To have the world without paying a cent.
Have worked for every penny,
With Misery and Strife.
Brought smiles to the faces,
Who I'd share a little slice
Of my Heaven and a little bit of my Hell.
Scares them all when I say the whole darn truth.
Never going to fluff things up,
Never to make them seem what they aren't,
To be a pain if they were pure Heaven.
Trust in me my Friend,
I know something about Beauty
And I know something about Pain.
I surely have a combination.
Bipolar my whole life?!  psssssshhh....................
Freedom shall reign!

Know- A Priceless Message of Understanding Pain.

•  · 10 minutes ago
• 
  

  Shayla Smith

  No, I have never been raped by another person, but I have felt the pain many times. I actually used to have countless experiences of hallucinations that I could feel, but not see, something or someone that  was raping me many times a day when it was at it's worst. This went on about everyday and slowly tapered off ,but it took a very long time, like years for it to stop. I'm sure if it were an actual person who raped me it would be scarier, but being a sex victim to your own mind and some of it I think was coming from evil spirits was pretty scary too. 

  This is a Sentimental Tragedy. - Was it really rape? My mind created it , so doesn't it mean that I wanted it? No, God does not allow people to have cancer because it is what their mind wants them to have. I tried to stop the pain in many ways. I tried to kill myself a few times. God wanted me to live for him, not die for him at that time. So, that is why I share my feelings and story because I understand pain..... and healing. We all need people and I'm grateful to those who showed their kindness. They helped more than they might have known they could have ever done for someone in that situation at that time. This started happening 9 years ago.

   · 

They Can See

Do you hear me with the music at night?  I don't think that I would really notice.  Why would you?  I block out one and take the other.  Why can't I intertwine the two? To enjoy myself as a part of the music.  For some reason it hurts to stand out.  I seem to bruise in all the wrong places.  Places where they can see.

I Walked To The Gym Helpless in The Snow

I weighed the same when.........
When I walked,
Helpless in the snow,
And little seemed to care,
I had to get out.
I ran away
Forever.
It seemed never the same.
We ate, and ate ,but
" poisoned" ourselves after.
I Gymed it ,that too.
A 8 hr work day.
1-2 hr. workouts.
I made up every minute,
 And dined
After I got home spending
More then my wages.
Image was my everything.
How I hated my first year away.
18-19yrs. old in a Town of
Brittany Spears Wanna Be's
Helpless in the snow.

Skinny Modeling

Stretched
To the point
of no return
my arms
above
me
as i worship
you,
this world
never felt,
except when it quakes.
Once again
it's orbit will
find it's place.
The truth,
Not sure
I just know
I cannot serve you.

Danny and Me!

LOVE FOREVER!

Watch Out!

                                                                 Me, faking pregnancy. Lol!

The Girl of Many Faces! :)

Into Christ's Arms

I remember a time when I was addicted to diet pills, was having a hard time with money, working as hard as I could, and falling in love for the first time and the other person was really sick. I got out of that situation hurt and heartbroken. I was never the same again. Until Christ started working in my life. Many of my loving, "Shayla" qualities have finally returned and I am actually improving.  Christ forgives us, but do we understand him!? Do we look at him to see his expression of love? Have we been reaching out, breaking out of the quiet shame and hiding? I hadn't totally given sufficient sacrifice ,but I am learning to understand the Gospel through love of the Spirit and it's healing power. This time in my life with the diet pills, that was so hard for me, could only be speaking of one thing that I received from prayer when I asked God about it later, "That is when you touched Hell." In other words," Yea, I hit Rock Bottom." You never know how hard someone is working and if they have an addiction against the Word of Wisdom or Spirit ,the spirit can be taken from them and they are not as protected as they were which makes it even worse. I believe that the other things fell apart because of the diet pills. Diet Pills were my vice and I had to basically go through Hell to get out.  But you know what? Whatever you have to go through if you are righteous and Christian ,there is a plan for you that can lead you into Christ's arms on the other side as you us the atonement.

The Woman at the Well

"Follow my lead,  
Christ said,"and sing."
I learned to listen.
"Follow my lead and yell."
I learned to speak.  
"Follow my lead and eat."
I learned to dress.  
"Follow my lead and drink of this water."
I learned to share. 

Shayla Knowledge! Power up!

The good thing about not seeing your full potential and being too hard on yourself is that the other person is almost always wrong.  LOL! How true is this!
That's why it's so important to be around people who see your full potential and help you grow.

It Will Be You!

Still can't sleep.
Never the less,
Dreaming of you.
Well, you are doing it.
Life here it comes.
Several things to do.
My radio still blaring,
The noise wakes me
In the middle of the night.
Wish it were you.
All the stars on the celling,
And soap suds turned to hearts,
They were gifts from God,
But a sign there was you.
-For my Love

Another Poem About ED- "Angry ,Dumb ,and Scum"

Eat and sleep-
My life has revolved around
You.
Never ending happiness,
I never knew.
They say I don't have it,
That I'm smarter than you,
But I know the Truth.
That it has only been me,
Me and you.
So call me angry and call me scum.
These things I am guilty
When I belong to you.
It's a lyrical romance,
A cherished one too,
But together I kill you,
And a part of me too.

It's in My Blood

On your toes,
That icy, clear, glass sliced,
Wears a sexy, blood red dress.
And leaves it's tracks behind.
Pop Music, almost hard core.
Sung for me my angel,
Danced in my mind,
And when it was all over...
Just left me behind,
And you with no more
 Wine.

Strange Minute Poem

Take
it
Leave
it
Do
it
Let
it
Go.
it
Will
Leave
Soon.

A Voice

Truer Words were never uttered.
I love you.
To shock at first,
But than to grow strong.
Although these hands are shaking,
They can move mountains.
To stir the hearts of men to change for God.
Like kept in a cellar like a fine wine,
Now their worth has doubled.
I looked in shame at what I was,
And now in joy at what I was possible to become,
And I heard a voice tell me ,"You always were, now you can be."
Death doesn't have to be my Destiny.

Broken Net

Hollow room
Broken net
Couldn't catch you.
You fell several stories.
I couldn't save you.
Now I can't let go of your memory.
I see your face and melt,
But somehow only negative words come out.
Do not let me go.
How I want to stay,
Not fair for both of us.
So, today I write another affirmation
About letting the future be my focus,
And letting the past go.
Hollow room
Broken net
Couldn't catch you.
You swam away.

Floored

Hissing at the door.
Sick.
A reflection of the floor.
Wish that I was as beautiful.
As everyone of my pills,
That I took today.
Brighten my face.
I don't want to look old!
You see the lines appearing,
And colors of life are replaced
With black lines.
Life's revenge on me.

They Call It A Dunce Cap

Layered make-up.
Hair fixed just right.
In hand me down clothes.
Paper and glue is all I need to fix this silly hat.
Made it myself.
Never knew it would be a hit.
I got two in every color.
To live is to laugh in the open,
But to cry at home-
Never underestimate those.
Anger, rage, and blooming strength
 Is their own.
To laugh is a kindness,
 At least to me.
I wish that I could wear everyone of my colors,
But I have fixed my hair just right
And they do not match my rags.

Thinking of You

This starry eyed boy,
Take me Away.
Almost thoughtless night,
Except thinking of you.
Relate every love song to you.
How do you do it?
Captor my heart.
Make the others jealous.
You and Me,
Very little seems imperfect.
Did you hear my praising you,
Because I heard you praising me.
You keep me going and visit my dreams.
You treat me so well I resent the others.
Tell you the truth,
Inspire my honesty.
I hope you know that you know that my loyalty and dedication
Is already with you.

True Discipleship Encourages The.........

 What memories have molded me into?
In someways life's been easy.
Nice, Sweet, Soft ,Cute.
In others, a pain only Christ knows.
Always walked the hard road,
Until Christ showed me that he would walk with me.
Not all painless.
I still have to walk when my feet are sore.
When I'm braking into new shoes,
But Christ has taken my yoke and made it his.
He cares.
He loves.
He listens.
He knows my road perfectly.
It is as if I am blind and he has sent his spirit as my eyes.

My Best Advice

Have you ever felt trapped in your own body, like you wanted to tare through your chest and go somewhere that understood you ,but where would this away be?  Soon you would return and your body no more. You'd cry.  Moving on is the hardest part.  Love your body.  Next time you return your body may  be no more.

Shayla On A Date

Wanta make you look good.
Wanta make you feel good.
Why the mask of clumsy  laughter?
I promise that it's not me.
I don't know?
What?
Yeah.
Mistaken for a fool,
But let me explain it to you.
It really isn't that strange,
But I've lived with it,
So how would I know?

Acid Rain

Dark in a hole.
Gravity escapes me.
Never knew anyone with a stronger heart,
Yet so weak in the knees.
Acid rain fell on me with,
The sensation of rubbing cotton.
I know where you are.
I'm just not the person to find you.
Find Me!

Answer Me!

Feelings of choking in the middle of the night.
Why do we have to leave the blinds open?
 Why does it matter if I close the door to the washer and dryer?
Buy  beauty, but always crave more.
"A girl like you would never wear that dress!"
"Yes ,Sir.  Yes , Mam."
With the habit of pleasing.
So many eyes I'm under.
I can still get away with wearing that dress to church!
These Bipolar rules, crazier than me.
Still don't answer me.
Should I wear the red dress or the black one?
Daddy ,Mommy please tell me!

With Life Ablaze

Fantasy and Fascination
Brighten and enblaze a life,
But can kill a dog,
If you know what I mean.
Never going to give in.
No mater how
Tired, weak,or waisted.
I will be strong
With life ablaze
To  lighten the way.

Poverty in a Four Bedroom Home

Inn 'n Out  never had.
Tacos with ketchup more like it.
Poverty in a 4 bedroom house.
Five cars parked in the driveway,
But nothing in the salad.
Apple for lunch,
How I hated PB sandwiches.
Never had a dress that
Mom didn't make me.
Felt like a burden for being alive.
Feelings of ,
"Never gonna live up to,
Never gonna be me."
"It's so hard for me.", people would say.
As soon as I get a child , never gonna be me.

Saturday Night

It isn't always a bad thing
 To want others to like you.
Wanting to be loved.
Loved because we sacrifice.
You came out of nowhere!
But I've fallen for you.
Saturday Night you'd rather not be here.
Well, than you don't even deserve a
Good Bye!

Forfeiting Hearts

Toes are pink.
Teeth are white.
Fingernails bitten.
Hair so short.
Almost Natural.
Playing games, but
Only with hearts.
We play fairly
And you know
We always forfeit
The game.

Today

Today I sat with the Angels.
Their sweet words abide with me.
Something in my inside world
Ever threatens my balance,
Yet the angels have lifted my head up.
This is the importance of life.
To gain an understanding of people and things.
What a waste my life would be
 If I were perfect, but I lacked humility.
I  would lack empathy ,
With my poetry stale and dark.
There would be no love
Or depth of character
In my beating heart.
I would actually be far from perfect.

Only 10 Pounds Away

Wanted first class,
But all I could afford was second.
Dress too tight.
Slits on the sides too high.
Wish that I was better.
In better shape ,so these
Things wouldn't look so cheap.
In shape ,I mean thin,
But now I don't know
If it's worth the work
But than I see,
I see first class
And  I yearn for a better me.
First class,
Only 10 pounds away.

The Face of Emotional Abuse

It creeks it's ugly face across the door pain.
So hideous it must hide its face.
Some take it as a friend and in turn
it turns them into monsters.
Sometimes looks may be deceiving,
but when the screams come it
suffocates all freedom and leaves you
desperate, bruised, and alone.
Stop! Stop! Stop!

They Can See

Do you hear me kill the music at night?
I don't think that I would really notice.
I block out the one and take the other.
Why can't I intertwine the two?
To enjoy myself as a part of the music.
For some reason it hurts to standout.
I seem to bruise in all the wrong places.
Places where they can see.

Underwater

Sing to me when the storm is over,
for than I can hear you when the thunder is away.
Deep within the crevasses of my soul I feel you.
Your heart beating once more.
Born again as you walk into the water.
Too good for this crumbling ,feeble body,
But someday when you return I will be with you.
This beating will never wain, a gift from my father above.
You as a friend are a part of every strand, fibber, cell that completes me.
And the water..... has made us clean.

How Will My Children Be?

I lie awake and wonder, what is it to know that a child is a part of you?
When they come home from the hospital fresh and clean,
Or later from the prom drunk and rude.
How do you know that you have done a good job?
It's strange that I still feel like one of them yet  I'm old enough to have my own.
Little feet later can step on or follow after yours.
You cannot always tell a good parent from a good child.
Some were born for trouble, others never saw beyond an A.
The world is full of unprepared feeling people who wonder,
"How will my children be?"

Dreams and Nightmares

            Dreams sometimes come true.  Well, so do nightmares you never thought were there.  Always wanted a happy ending. I remember the thoughtless mind that I carried at my worst.  Only nightmares played back over and over the hate that  I never knew bothered me that I had collected.  All those people, desires, words of hate.  My dreams tall and small have blossomed for me and made me strong.  Never thought that I'd be a model or have so many dates, but than again I never thought I'd be so sick I couldn't finish college and would be single at 29.  Life has formed me into a form where nightmares and dreams make up my center.  I am one of the lucky ones.  Given time for myself.  To finish at my own time you could say.  To purge this anger.    I've held a dream that has made me feel pretty.  The talents of  Wife and Mother, that's what I want to work on next.

"I Want To Save You"- Something Corporate

I've Touched Hell

Hold on, but nothing is there.
Open spaces, yet bump into chairs.
Dark at night.
As copper in the day.
See not light, but heat in my way.
Want to go to work.
Work is to crucify you.
Eat at home.  Porridge, that's all that's left.
You choose.
The worse I feel the better I feel I'm becoming.
I wish that I were more,
But something is holding me to misery.
One more day upon another ,dead or alive.
 I have touched Hell.

Ego

Taste the fruit.
Ripe and ready to be shipped.
Don't know of which  kind it is
,So how can I tell you
Where to find it?
Just know that when
You are ever so close
The earth will shake,
Or will it be you?
Don't worry about it.
It will fall from the tree
Into your hand.
You made the journey.
You deserve the fruit.
Will you share in it's profits
or move past it in the way?

Not For Me

I put these messages up.
They are not for you.
Not for me.
But for God.
He knows already,
but I want to prove to him,
that I appreciate and have,
Learned by his creations.
Simple precepts, complicated,
To the new.
I wish that I could strain out
the pulp of my soul and
leave behind a pure wine ,
Of the sweetest kind.
One where everyone drinks ,
Everyone is satisfied.
Christ turn this dirty water,
into Wine to the enjoyment
Of your Wedding Party.

I miss You

People miss you.
They miss your smile,
Sweet innocence.
Stay a while.
Let me keep you.
Let me hear your voice
once more.
You were around more.
You stayed for dinner and
after for dessert.
You kissed the boys,
they were your type.
You led the music ,
and did it with a smile.
Said comments in class
and came to my party.
No talk of fallen things.
Would they love or.......
only miss you more if they
knew you now?
How are you to know if .....
you are never around.

My Goal. Back to the Future. :)

Honesty

First,
Second,
Never -mind.
You  knew what the
Cause of our pain was.
Stress,
If we were still as before.
Whether my actions were immature
I do not know ,
But hate and envy
Would have grown.
 I don't  know how I've gotten to feel this way?
Please forgive
These things that I say.
I mean them well,
In honesty,
And cheer.
Please look at me
And know that I am real.

Eyeliner

What?  No eyeliner?
I don't really care,
But Baby ,you're pushing it.
I didn't do my make-up for him,
So that means you too.
Goth, Glam, whatever you call it.
Been in style and just keeps going.
Beautiful eyes, thanks to you
My Love
It's as if God has led me to you.
We have this great relationship.
Kept the mistery alive.
How strong will you come on today?
You are like the refection of
my darkness or light each day.
My eyeliner, how much I love you!
LOL!

Carrying the Moon

I didn't know that it would be so hard.
I only hope that it is worth it.
Yes, it hurt that badly.
Now the Sun is out,
But I have fallen asleep.
Picking up the trash along the way.
Paper, plastic, soda cans,
Are they from me or from this city.
 How am I to know?
But I carry the Moon and sleep in the Sun.
Is it my protection from the people who
Judge of trash being picked up along the way?
No, I just don't want the world to see
 How hard it is to carry the moon.

Sick

Diseased and crippled with fear.
What is the next step?
Crawling up a broken ladder,
Missing the next step could kill me.
I have no idea where I am headed,
Only that the goal of the ladder is to go up.

Settled

Was it my fault?
Shouldn't have been  nice.
Shouldn't have stood by the door.
A waist of time in every way.
He took his time with me.
That's why it took him so long
To find out that he wasn't going to win.
No one can touch the glass doll on the top shelf,
Unless they have a ladder.
He waited at the bottom for me to fall,
but settled for straw instead.

ED

      Once again I want to look in the mirror without seeing something unhuman.  You made me a slave, wasting my talents and emotions on your craft.  Trust is what you have robbed me of.  Once again I want to look in the mirror without seeing something unhuman.  To have power to control my senses.  Once again to intuitivly be once more.  Nevermind the passing discomfort of today, because the greatest gift I have is my health.  I have become limited and dependent.  I will let you go now.  I think that I can.  Let go of your clenching grasp around my neck, because today I found that I was the one who held them there.

His Hands

The more  I learn of life,
The better I find that I am,
For I am of noble birthright,
True to my heritage I am,
For I am a Child of God,
Learning to walk in his ways,
I am here to prove who I am,
He wants me to be meek,
He wants me to be a lamb,
He wants me to be pure,
He wants me to hold his hand.

Old Hands

Can someone's hair change their life?  In this world it is so.  Blonde and long, tan skin to go with it.  I know!  Lose some weight.  There you go.  You are a Barbie now, but what do you do when you reach that?  Must keep it up.  Old lady 40 years later still trying to keep it up.  Now a monster- plastic surgery everywhere, hair still long and blonde, but wrinkles still appear.  You can not hide old hands, even with fake nails.

She looks at her life and sees her life at the Gym, Tanning Bed, Spa , Beauty Salon. Did she do this for herself or for the approval of others?

What Hair And Make-up Can Do For Me!

 Yes ,This is Me!

The World- For Your Children

Never the less we made it.
We walked across the sea.
We plowwed through the trees.
We planted flowers in the desert.
Were these mistakes?
They run us dry,
Take all of our energy.
But some child is in need of these things?
How can we deny him bread?
We made this world for Man,
Now make it for your children.

A New Expression

Could my life be worth a tear?
I thought he was strong and tough.
He never had any expression to my Hell.
Every few weeks I'd lay it on him.
Yet today he was soft. 
Today I spoke of death.
Could my life be worth a tear?

The Meanest of All

I feel the cement scraping my knees.
I feel life's hands around my neck.
Help! I'm drowning in my own blood!
I know it's mine because I never touched them.
As I was falling, my heart broke into pieces,
Cutting me where I was already weak in the first place.
People who I could not love.
Recorded in life's pages so that I will never forget.
The world can be so cold, people so cruel,
But the meanest of all is death.

Kinder

Something different?
Something not about me?
Something to fit in my bag,
To take with me all the time.
Hasn't changed much,
In all these years ,but somehow
The air is different,
The lighting brighter at night,
Your words seem less secure,
But kinder.
I wanted you to know that I see a change,
And it was brought about by you.
- Hold on.  You lead a path for others to follow.

Under Fear's Protection

"Open my mind,
my heart,
and let go of Me." He said.

When I only felt the presence of hate ,
when I was out of his protection.
Should have known better,
that it only changed things than.
Now the fear returns.
Was it ever gone?
No ,he only numbed the pain.
Now I'm left without an open mind and heart.
I fear that everyone ,
including you. That you are in want,
of my destruction.
I can't walk into a room without wondering,
if you will notice and if you are speaking against me.
My open heart and mind are now under my protection.
I will let him be.

Trust into Freedom- The Worth of Souls is Great in the Sight of God.

Love, desire,beauty, passion, depth-
That's my focus.  These are the words I
speak from my soul.


  Those are my gifts to
share.
 The men I like don't trust
themselves,
 and the women scorn. Even my mom and
sisters speak behind my back.
 I can only trust a few.
 "How can she have it
all?"
 "Not if I can help it!
I'll withhold a friend."
 Threatened and scared?
I have to be the
 most beautiful women in the world.
The compulsion
 has brought such loneliness,
but I keep on working, dreaming, writing
 these poems.
That only I can totally understand.
 I promise if
you'll have faith and  patience in me I will
be true.
 I do not give
in (maybe I should say give up).
  I refuse to
be weak
 because
to have trust brings freedom.
 Will you
trust me?
 I'll trust you
if you earn it,
and we will be free

Tastes Like You- Shayla Smith

Today, I ate my third apple and it tasted of you.
It's the same thing everyday
and you are a part of the routine.
I wish that it didn't seem so generic ,almost- plastic, artificial, or processed.
I keep myself out of bed long enough to say I'm alive.
It's not like I never go out , but you are always standing there
in the back of my mind.  You challenge me.
 I wish that I could rebel,  and I do ,but I always come back to you.
I don't even know who you are, what you look like ,how you feel.
All I know is how it feels in my mind, when I am going about my day
coming across a joke and wanting someone to laugh with me about it.
Today I seem to be living the same day, that has gone on for years until I find
the Man I can laugh with about...................people!

"Letter to God" (Live)

This Girl has been through it all,  broken down into nothing ,she finally finds the words to come to God.  I wonder if Kurt was any help in bringing her to make this song?  I hope she is given mercy.  We all need it.

Mother In Me

My Child,
where are you now?
I love you.
You need my touch.
For touch is something you get little of.
A storm of feeling,
yet all you can do is cry.
So I hold you now in my heart.
I love you dearly.
I rock you to sleep.
Good night and pleasant dreams.
I will be here
 in reality.

Beautiful and Strange

Where can I look?
Where can I go?
I look down at the earth
as if bowing myself
to the presence of self.
Giving up the challenge
to prove myself worthy
as if saying
you are better than me
take my life.
I feel that I have given my life to so many,
but yet I continue to be refused of them.
Taking it.
Yearning for love,
but fearful of it,
that nothing comes into my heart.
Missing the knowledge and handle of life.
Would someone please tell me what to do!?

A Worm Like You

The fruits of life now lie on the floor,
Fragrant and ripe.
Are they some insects new home?
Never thought that it would end this way.
We had such a good run.
You ignored the "messes",
I ignored that girl,
But what I ignored came back to me
When she called on your cell phone.
The fruits of life now rotten
And my "messes" drove you away.
Even a worm like you prefers fresh fruit,
But me sadly ,wanted you.

Just Day Dreaming

When he first noticed her, her demeanor showed that she was just day dreaming.  About what, he wondered?  Priceless, meek, quiet ,and innocent as a lamb.  He later learned of her attitude - religious, spiritual, and about what else-  food.  He talked to her and fell in love with the woman who wants to be a wife and mother.  He looked at her and thought that she was pretty.  He ran home and told his family ,"I could marry this girl.  I'm going to do it before anyone else does."

Pandora's Box

We are given choices in life.
Mine have come in packages with no string.
 Found Pandora's Box when I opened this up.
Along with the Monsters there's one thing.
Hope that I can get over my immaturity's.
Successful- in my own estimation.
The Monsters have made me weep,
but rising above has come easy for me.
Because I saw hope as something in me.

Unavailable

I know what  to do.
Stop talking to you.
Stop making an effort.
Stop wasting my time.
Emotionally unavailable
and always will be.
Protected yourself,
and apparently me.
Because I could not love another
 when I would listen to you,
see you ,forgive you, wishing
that he was you.
So now I see you and ask,
"Was my time wasted?"
I never knew any better,
so that is a clue.

Death March

You fell asleep while you were walking ,or was it the other way around?  Anyway, I can see why you are tired.  Going all that way!  You should have taken the bus, but all you had was a dime, so you walked home in your heals and those tacky, wacky clothes.  "I'm the Whore of the Earth.  This is my death march", you said. "Do you want a cigarette?"  "No way!  Maybe when I'm dead!"

Yearning

Love enters in

in matters of the heart

In my quite sort of way

 I have began to love you.

I see you across the room and

yearn for your tenderness.

Calm are your eyes,

Smooth your skin looks,

but you are speaking to another.

Could I ever feel

 that more than a fantasy

 could fill this broken heart?

His Car

She left his car door opened in the rain.
Tears fell.
Soaked the seat and hit the dashboard.
He never looked at her in the same way.
"My Car, my life.", could be his motto.
"She doesn't care about my car."
"How could she care about me?"

This Song

Carefree of my worries of the day as I fade into the music.  Like the wind and sky I will be this day.  My spirit dances, set free as I glide to the sound of validation and promise.

Something Simple

Been addicted,
 apples, sodas, sugar, salt, bananas,gum.
Weird I am .  I admit.
Not ashamed.  Little does.
Been sharing for years.
At first I would cry.
Now I don't really care.
Soon bored.  This is my entertainment
until the next addiction.
Something simple taken to the extreme.
I am a slave.
 I just move on to the next addiction.

Running in Cycles

Why move backward,
When the world is moving forward?
But how do I know how?
It seems to hop addiction to addiction,
All legal,
Some not as deadly,
But they all feel the same.
I take it to extreme levels.
Am I moving forward,
Or just running in cycles,
With different shoes on every time?

Dearest Angel

Dearest Angel,
why did you come to my room last night?
Something was holding you back.
Something was closing itself around you.
A sense of urgency ,but you could not be heard.
Yelling, but were your screams good or bad.
You were helpless to be heard and I could not comfort you.
Yet, you have comforted me by being a friend in need.
Go safely home now.
God has granted us peace.
Maybe the Spirit of God will bring me words that you speak
in those quite moments when I don't know
what else to do.

My Name

He saw dark hair, dark eyes, light skin, so prim.
Wearing black with a string of pearls.
Wanta get to know her.
Wanta know her name.
"Hi ,how are you?"
"Are you going to school right now or working?'
Needs to know, but he does't really care.
That's why he loves your face, but can't remember your name.
Don't be affended he loves you even now.
That's why he lets things go.
"Hi, how are you?"
He may not remember your name, but he wants you to remember his just the same.

My Captors

Forgive me my captors.
My mind has only created.
I see now my sin.
That I deserved my punishments,
my knowledge,
my blessings.
People don't always see me,
but they know that I've cried.
They can see the pain in my
make-up, dress, and skin.
I've tried to give that up so many times.
Something that's become a part of me.
I wonder, "Why should I try?"

Some Lyrics of "Me and The Moon"- Something Corporate

"It's me and the moon" ,she says
I got no trouble with that, but I am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die"
It's me and the moon ",she says

But what do you say we go for a ride?
What do you say we get high?
But I'm so tired of days that feel like the night

"It's me and the moon",she says
And I got no trouble with that, but I am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die

Mercy

I had a dream about the powers of music.  I had a dream of Christ.  I had a dream about everyone in my life.  I've been so lucky that I've had this mercy.  When I felt like such a terrible one.  My mercy changed into a knowledge.  Created fresh skin, healthy and soft, tender and clean. My dreams of Christ ,friends, and music were ever so perfect for me.  My fear no longer eats at  me, but I can not say that I'm perfect and I can not begin to try.  Christ you are my mercy and knowledge and I have seen thy face.  I can not deny it ,not even when I die.
 

I'll Grab Some M&M's

Rapped in a cottonball,
Rubbed in ones hand,
The grating feeling,
That it brings,
Feeling like I had the flu,
When I was five,
My pain comes to visit,
Whenever I'm alone,
At night,
When it hurts to call a friend,
 Don't want to bring them down,
 Don't want to eat that saled,
Give me some,
Gummy Bears instead,
The dressing has as many,
Calories as that bag of M&M'S,
So I'll sit with this feeling,
 And eat my M&M'S,
Fall asleep, wakeup and,
Eat an apple ,
And later grab,
Some M&M'S.

Gambling (I just thought this one was funny.)

Gambling my dreams away.
What if?
No.  I don't.
The end.

I Promise

There is a place,
A love can go,
Where emotion is safe,
And words hold,
Only truths,
Where kisses mean,
 I care,
And more can mean,
I love you,
Where anything is,
Possible with,
Encouraging words,
And a brilliant smile,
 This place I give to you,
With open arms,
I promise to,
Hold and cherish you,
Safely here,
In these truths.

Happy Valentines Day!

You Pretended Not to Care

You did the right thing,
You pretended not to care,
Easier to brush off,
To claim to be a jerk,
Not worth my time,
Now I can sit within myself,
And feel that you never cared,
That I never crossed your mind,
That you never looked my way,
That you never pictured me in your arms,
Holding you gently at night,
No, this never happened,
Thank you,
You were never there

Scared

I do not see their glares,
But I can feel them,
Almost numb I have become,
But a part of of me is scared,
Dear love help me through,
For I am weak and wobbly,
I know that I can lean on you,
Be my support in these times,
Of a broken heart,
And a contrite spirit.

Living With The Rain

I listen to the rain,
When the night is clear,
And there are no clouds,
 Covering the moon,
I seem to seek out the sound,
The music, writing, and attitude,
What will become of me,
If I continue,
I'm really not unhappy,
I just need to feel the cold,
Hear what the earth has to say,
When it is crying,
Darkness in my image,
But smiles on my face,
I guess you can be happy ,
Living with the rain.

If You Were Human- The Face of Rape

Ugly face,
Black tongue,
Crooked teeth,
Scorched skin,
Nothing there,
To give in return,
Except for,
A ripped and,
Shattered heart.

Inside of Me

I've sat inside myself for years, but don't look down on me I did it for necessity.  When fear, pain, and distain plagued my mind I could only focus on the feelings- the words that beeted within my heart, coursing through my vains and making me alive.  I didn't want to change, but the pain was too great to stay the same.  I have risen from the ashes, speaking a new tongue, one that can hold someone's hand and laugh at insecurities.  Tender now, the wound that was eating me up inside has melted and changed my winter like snow in the Spring.

His Eyes- What seems like a long time is only a moment and what seems like a moment can create eternities.

Standing in line.

I wanted to go first.

I wanted to brush off the world. 

Waking up to a world of feeling, 

Looking at these pictures of Christ.  

I can see his expressions.

He's crying. 

Wanting  me again, 

But his eyes tell a different story,

Saying,"Stay a little longer, 

And you will be first. 

This too shall pass."  

My Chains

I will wear your coat in the snow,
as I run to the finish line.
It takes so long,
too long.
I had to rest.
You have unlocked my chains.
Now I can win.
Without being aware,
 I won the race.
I beat them all.
Even with my chains for a time,
I beat them all.
Thank you.

The Steps

  As a dancer moves across the room
I wonder if I will ever learn the steps.
  My longings seem to take me away
and leave me as a wonded animal.
 Feeling naked and alone,
I wonder what my future holds.

With Me

I will walk a little farther,
leap another step,
because I know,
that you are with me.
I will cry for you,
and weep at your feet.
If my hair were longer,
I would wipe them clean,
because you walked with me,
and carried my pain,
so that I could go a little farther,
than I could without you.

The Fight

     River of water come take me away, far from this cocoon, somewhere with the moon.  Will you hear me tonight in the silence and the cold,  that only God can bare?  Somehow I feel that you knew me before we said our hellos.  You saw past the walls , past the plaster, and into the colors of what was worth the fight.

The One Who Loves You

Like the soul of a dancer he shows his grace, sings purity like a three year old child.  Patience with my insecurities.  Oh wait, it has disappeared.  Wanting none else ,but to wait with you, to watch you smile ,to listen, and cry with you.  Perfect tears that fall around him speak loudly ,asking some to live for him.......and others to let go.

Don't Forget

When I found you,
Your heart was pure once more.
An untangled web.
A new pressance and additude.
A life that only knew you.
I beg of you.
Don't forget me .
Think of me.
Dream of me,
Because I can't forget you.

Blush

Concealer
Powder
Blush
Eyeshadow
Eyeliner
All these things make me who I am.
Am I part of a mask or  just part of these colors.
To put this jewelry onto my face,
Make-up has become part of the truth ,an outlet,
part of what's good in me.

Oh, The Drama!

                                                                       ME!

Intents of a Song

Water turned into wine,
A candle lit by my bed,
The sweet kisses from Heaven,
The romance and therapeutic dreams
 
The dreams of a perfect me,
No cigarette smoke,
A perfect body,
A perfect me

Tears fallen from Heaven,
Form on my arm,
A shaking bed from the coldness,
 Of the room

I swear that God loves only,
You and only me,
God loves only you and only me,
Only me as I lay,
Listening to the voices that,
Pass my time

I feel I'm going insane,
Is it you or only me,
Only me

Yea, Yea, Yea,
Whatever, whatever,
I feel what I feel,
I see what I see,
I feel God,
Who cares what I see

Diet Pills -What Almost Killed Me.

Everyday high taken.
My everyday actions.
What a simple plan.
numb to the world.
Only a pain,
but taken for the effect,
of having my weight and scale,
showing me what I wanted,
to see with little work.
Only $14.99.
Oh, what a great bargain,
for a new God.

What?

Evermore expired
for the time was that given.
You gave me the worst of times.
I had to survive.
I gave all my energies,
thoughts and ambitions.
For what?!
For you to make up your mind?
No, for it is mine.

The Endless Image- My First Poem!

Drawn motionless,
private parts emerged,
in salty silk,
raises to the sun,
braises the skin,
draws out the life,
and eats away,
her soul,
stares at her images,
and is turned into salt,
saturated to the point,
that is everlastingly too late,
And is lost by what she has made.

Well, Hello!

One of my new great passions has become writing poetry for self- exploration.  I've been using Facebook as a tool to share what I have to say, but I'm afraid that I started to annoy many of my Facebook friends with my type of work.  Poetry isn't for everyone, but the deepest and most sensitive of souls.  So, this page is to be an outlet for the heart and rhythm of Shayla's life.